JO: Now heading to the ring from Bari, Italy weighing in at THREE HUNDRED and FIFTY pounds.DONOVAN VALENSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!
[Valens appears from between a parted curtain. Lights flash down on him and he appears to be glowing. Donovan is wearing a red siglet with the straps hanging around his waist. White elbowpads, kneepads and shiny white boots complete his ring attire.]
JH: A fairly tones down entrance from Valens tonight.
ST: Simpler is better. Besides, why should he try to come out to a large entrance? He can’t back it up.
JH: We shall see about that.
[The lights of the arena go out..]
Voiceover: "8... 7... 6... 6... 6... 5... 4... 3... 2... 1"
[Immediately the heavy guitar of "The Heretic Anthem" by Slipknot kicks in followed by a frantic drum beat. "The Sadist" Damion Siobhan appears in the entrance, and he is immediately met by disapproval from the crowd. .]
JH: And we're underway! The crowd definitely getting into this match!
ST: [Shrug] There's no accounting for taste.
JH: Valens's expression just completely changed. He looks incredibly focused. He moves in to lock up. Siobhan ducks underneath. Standing dropkick by Siobhan! Valens falls back. Siobhan's right on him with a lightning quick leg drop.
ST: Quick bastard.
JH: Show some form of respect. Siobhan backs away as Valens pulls himself up, looking more angry than hurt. Valens moves in once again for the hookup. Siobhan grabs an arm and ducks down. Crucifix by Siobhan!
1...
2...
KICKOUT!
JH: Siobhan is up again. He's looking a little flustered.
ST: You would be too if your opponent was too much of a pansy to actually wrestle. Instead, Valens is running around like a...a...a wrestler that runs a lot!
JH: Siobhan's strategy so far is very sound. He's not trying to get tied up with the very technically sound Valens. He's hitting and moving.
ST: I just want to know one thing.
JH: What's that?
ST: When will we see a chair in this match??
JH: I dunno. Valens moves back in. This time they lock up. Siobhan drops down and hooks the leg in a small package!
1...
JH: Reversed!
1...
JH: Reversed again!
1...
KICKOUT!
JH: Both men up.
ST: Whoa. Heh.
JH: Massive clothesline by Valens! Big mistake there by Siobhan allowing Valens to get in close. Valens grabs the right leg and he drives a knee into the back! And again.
ST: Rip his leg off!
JH: Valens rolls him over. Half Crab!
ST: Valens is driving his knee into the hamstring of Siobhan. This is targeting both his back as well as his leg.
JH: Nice of you to watch this match. You should have watched earlier, Guardian Angel was entertaining.
[The crowd, not sure how to react to the offense of Valens, makes some noise.]
JH: The crowd not sure if they're behind Valens or not right now. Valens is doing the right thing here, taking out the leg off of Siobhan. If a man can’t stand up, he can’t lift you up.
[Valens grabs Siobhan and pulls him to his feet.]
JH: Valens tucks the right leg of Siobhan. He lifts him up and drives it down on his own knee!
[Crowd pop!]
ST: Hey, that was cool.
JH: Amazing! Immediately on impact, Valens lifted back up in a sort of modified belly-to-back suplex. The impact was explosive and Valens maintained his grip on the leg too.
ST: I think we may have to reattach Siobhan's leg after the match.
JH: Valens flips over in a bridge, holding on to the leg of Siobhan. He's tearing away at that leg. Siobhan is flailing around. Nice reversal there by Siobhan, flipping Valens over into a head-scissors leglock.
ST: Not after that sharp punch into the back of the leg of Siobhan.
JH: Siobhan rolls away, grabbing that leg. Valens has surgically taken apart Siobhan's biggest weapon. His ability to stand up, if your legs aren’t going to hold you up, how can they hold both of you up? Valens moves in. Siobhan pushes up off his shoulders Falling Clothesline sends Valens flies across the ring!
ST: He's up quickly!
JH: Valens dives in...shoulder to the knee of Siobhan! Great recovery there. Valens pulls up that bad leg. He spins the leg around for a figure-four.
ST: No! I think Siobhan pulled the hair!
JH: He did not. Beautiful tuck by Siobhan into a small-package for the one count! Valens up quickly moving back in. Give Valens credit. He has a game plan and he's on the attack!
ST: Siobhan ducks. Spins.
[Crowd: Woooo!]
JH: Beautiful knife-edge chop! Another! Another! Another! He's backed Siobhan into the corner. Kick to the gut. Valens has him hooked up. He's going for the powerbomb. No!
[Another loud reaction from the crowd.]
ST: How did he DO that?
JH: Siobhan with a couple of punches to the head, reversed the powerbomb into a deadlift Powerbomb of his own... Sends Valens over the top and to the floor!
[Split screen. Slow motion replay shows Valens's head bouncing off the floor with tremendous impact.]
JH: That could be the difference here for Siobhan, although he can barely walk in that ring!
ST: What's he trying to do?
JH: Siobhan has backed on the other side of the ring. He's eying the fallen Valens. This is crazy!
[Siobhan charges across the ring, noticably favoring his right leg. He springs forward using the top rope for some added momentum.]
JH: No! Siobhan's leg buckled! He fell right over the top rope.
ST: Hell, that was his best move so far.
JH: He landed right on top of Valens! Valens broke his fall!
[Close up of the train wreck on the outside. Valens's face is blank, having taken the brunt of the blows. Siobhan is rolling around, grasping his leg with a mask of pain across his face.]
JH: Siobhan's grabbing the apron, pulling himself up. He's having a hard time moving around.
ST: Boy, he looks pissed.
JH: He's walking away from Valens. Where's he going?
[Quickly, that question is answered. Siobhan grabs the chair that The Machine used earlier and limps back around the ring.]
JH: He's risking disqualification right here! The ref is yelling at him.
ST: What's he waiting for, though?
JH: Siobhan is bent over, holding that chair. He's waiting for Valens to get up.
[Valens, meanwhile, is slowly pulling himself up. The ref has jumped out and is standing between the two men, yelling at Siobhan.]
JH: Valens is up. Siobhan cocks back...
[WHACK!]
JH: My God! He did it! Siobhan swung with all his might and absolutely plastered Valens right in the face!
ST: Heh. Good thing the ref ducked out of the way there.
JH: Speaking of which, the ref is up in Siobhan's face. He could have disqualified him right there!
[Siobhan ignores the ref and grabs Valens by the hair. He pulls him to his feet. For the first time, the red pouring from somewhere on his face is seen.]
JH: Siobhan grabs Valens from behind. He lifts him up.
ST: Ouch!
JH: He just dropped him over the guardrail! I don't even know if Valens felt that, though!
ST: What are you implying about Valens? How could any man NOT feel that? Hell, I felt that.
JH: Siobhan has the chair again. He's pulling himself up on the apron!
[Siobhan visibly winces when he puts pressure on his bum leg.]
JH: Siobhan leaps off towards Valens and clotheslines him with his leg!
[Quick replay. Siobhan knocks Valens off the rail with his bad leg. Siobhan, however, nails the rail and falls back on his chair. Valens lands hard in the crowd.]
JH: The ref has rolled back into the ring.
ST: What a crappy ref. Why do we hire guys like this?
JH: Better than a ref bump.
ST: What is?
JH: Bad ref.
ST: Oh.
[The ref starts a count which draws the ire of the audience, obviously enjoying the high levels of violence in the match.]
1...
2...
3...
ST: These guys are done.
4...
[A hand grabs the rail from the outside.]
JH: I can't believe this! Valens is moving!
5...
[Siobhan rolls off his chair, again wincing from pain.]
6...
7...
JH: Valens has fallen over the rail, but he's back down!
ST: They're not going to make it back into the ring!
8...
[Siobhan pulls himself up, grabbing his chair again.]
JH: Double-countout here, folks.
[Neither guy is standing. Siobhan is sitting up-right, holding onto his chair. Valens is trying unsuccessfully to push himself up about two yards away.]
9...
[Siobhan lifts his chair up.]
10!!!
JH: What a shame about this one, folks.
[The ref quickly jumps out of the ring.]
ST: Okay, I'm lost.
JH: The ref isn't calling for the bell. He must have broken the count when he saw Siobhan getting ready to use the chair again!
[The ref grabs the chair and pulls it away from Siobhan.]
JH: Siobhan pulls himself up. He's pulling Valens up, blood everywhere.
ST: Valens looks...uhh...bloody.
JH: Siobhan slowly pushes Valens into the ring and rolls in behind him. Siobhan pushes Valens against the ropes and bounces him off.
[Valens slowly runs back towards Siobhan. Siobhan weakly clotheslines, but Valens ducks under.]
JH: Valens steps through and throws a superkick.
ST: I dunno. I wouldn't call that super, more like a pathetic kick.
JH: Siobhan falls back to avoid the blow. Valens follows through, dropping a knee to Siobhan's groin!
ST: Ouch. Turnabout's fair play, I guess.
[The crowd pops, not so much for Valens's move but just for the excitement of the match.]
JH: Siobhan rolls out from under Valens. He grabs the ropes and pulls himself up. He turns...
ST: And goes right back down!
JH: Valens with a shoulder right into that bad leg of Siobhan. Siobhan drops like a sack of potatoes. Valens moves slowly and drives his knee into the back of Siobhan's leg.
ST: When he hasn't been getting hammered with a chair, Valens has put on a decent show in there.
JH: I’m glad you noticed.
ST: I do my best.
JH: Valens lifts Siobhan up by his bad leg… Oh Hell!
[Valens falls backwards, still holding the leg, when Siobhan slowly begins to stand up. The effect? Siobhan catapults through the air and face first into the turnbuckle.]
ST: Someone just got hurt badly.
[Valens rolls off and out to the floor. His face is a mask of red, but he seems to have picked up a second wind. He pulls Siobhan by the hair, draping his head over the apron.]
JH: Valens is heading towards the turnbuckle!
ST: Payback for that chairshot earlier!
[Valens starts to climb, but Siobhan slowly pushes himself up.]
JH: Valens jumps back down. He cocks back.
ST: Ouch.
JH: Boot right to the face of Siobhan! Did you hear that?
[Valens climbs back into the ring. He pulls the prone Siobhan out to the middle of the ring.]
JH: Valens pulls Siobhan up, he grabs by the arms… going for a powerbomb here!
ST: Crap. Just who I didn’t want to see win.
JH: Big show of strength from the massive Valens on the equally massive Siobhan!
[CRACK-A-BOOM!]
ST: Siobhan's done.
JH: Donovan Valens, just power bombed the man formerly known as Jeff Boyardee onto the mat, from the clouds! It has to be over! He knows what he has done, he knows it’s over!
ST: Look at Valens's face!
[As if on cue, Valens wipes some blood out of his eyes.]
JH: Siobhan just laying there unconscious. Those last few moves put him out of it!
ST: Then why doesn’t Valens pin him?
JH: I don’t honestly know! That’s why! He’s pulling Siobhan up!
ST: What the?
JH: Valens with the go behind waist lock… He heaves back!
ST: Look at his neck stand out!
[BOOM!] JH: German Suplex! Valens just naile…
[BOOM!] JH: That’s TWO! Donovan Valens just nailed Damien Siobhan with two Roll…
[BOOM!] JH: THREE! THREE ROLLING GERMAN SUPLEXES!
ST: Is someone dead?
JH: I don’t know Schaef, but you know that neither of these two men can be feeling all that great right now.
ST: Is Valens moving?
[So he is, In fact, Donovan Valens just stood up to a massive crowd pop!]
JH: He just pulled Damien Siobohan up! Butterfly Powerbomb!
ST: What is that?
JH: Valens just nailed his finisher “Rapture” and here is our pin!
1…
2…
2 ¼…
2 ½…
2 ¾…
3!!!
[DING DING DING!!!]
JH: WE HAVE A NEW PROFITT MEMORIAL CHAMPION, AND HIS NAME IS DONOVAN VALENS!!!
[The camera focus on Donovans face as he is handed the TSW Profitt Memorial Championship Belt. Then it fades to commercial.]